Urbanization Killing Free Food and Making Money Worth More

 

 

frenzy

About till a century or two back, the money was not a real requirement for most of the population because they could grow their own food and live off it even if a stash of paper was not adorning their premises or something. I mean it is nothing but fancy and colourful paper with signature of a rather known person. Then Urbanization began and the person who could grow the food was forced to pay hefty taxes and brutalized so as he forgets that he creates what everyone else on the earth needs more than the fancy paper! The generations of farmers were forced to believe that they are poor, illiterate and to live, they must confine themselves to the so called ‘villages’ or countryside. People in cities only have money and all they need to live can only be purchased. Cities are only placed with a lot more people buzzing around—each bee is upto something. Urbanization makes this practically useless fancy paper a real thing, a necessity, a fact of life, a matter of pride and success and peace of mind, a reason for contempt, a reason for doubt on self, a thing defining worth for humanity… everything practically that is required to establish hierarchy, to align 7 billion people.

Is the city a necessity of the growing population or growing greed?

Accepting Oneself Must Be the First Step to Understand People in General

to feel the written, unwritten, narrated and never told stories equally….

Accepting oneself cannot be bringing the amount of work you put into something down for when you accept yourself, you listen to yourself first before expecting something to be done. You chat with yourself in pursuit to get what it is which is keeping you away in the atmosphere of uneasiness, falling asleep while trying to discipline yourself, feeling tired without consuming caffeine, unwilling to go out for a jog maybe… or something so severe like not know what to draw when presented with a blank page. This thing called worldly expectations is the response to what all we sense in the world… it has to be controlled for the argument that we control our senses with reason to hold some meaning. There is no consciousness, no actual thought until the thought is directed and only facility within human which can direct his thought is the reason which he truly ‘believes’ in.

A Review on Dallas Buyers’ Club

The movie is not quite about AIDS, the much it is about coldness and meaninglessness. I reached the multiplex some 10 minutes after the movie had begun, but the drift of story and the direction is too easy to grasp, and yet so abominable. Matthew is an electrician. The recklessness in his life has a reason… he has learned to care for none as a gesture in return to his upbringing. By the end, he does talk about his memories of being a kid, of having a father… of being taken care of. Then all those experiences which began as a thrill in the evenings and pretended as sense of freedom slyly and slowly had become addictions and only way to keep the brain from wondering what went wrong, why his life was the way it was. He became so mellow with being that insanely drunk guy in the blinding mist of cocaine and screams, moans of whores and random girls. Movie does not have any noticeable music… I can imagine the horror of musicians though. He’s not a bad guy at all… it’s just who he is—callous and kind of rejecting and condescending. But somehow this is how men seem to be normal where he lives. Then one day while trying to save a guy from being amputated at the rail-yard where he works, he gets shocked and passes out. He wakes up in a local hospital and blood-tests turn out to bear a news, a dead-end to his horror—they confirm that he is HIV positive. Was it whores, was it queers, was it recklessness…?

So, he’s admitted and right next to his bed is this biological boy who feels like a girl—Jared. Matthew is homophobic not by heart but by trend. His homophobia is like their love for MTv top 40. But Jared is a very loving girl inside a guy’s body. They play cards and Matthew(character’s name Ron) loses. He is there after having tried to lose the sight of this HIV+ thing too in cocaine, liquor and whores. But he had to, for probably first time, accept that this one is different…. A drug company comes up with a new drug AZT which is up for a test for 1 year and having done a lot of research on his part, Ron tries to get his hand on AZT by bribing a mexican ward-boy. He was given only 30 days of life according to Doctors when first diagnosed positive for the virus. On 30th day, he goes to Mexico and gets those drugs which are legal everywhere else except in US[FDA just won’t approve of ‘em for some unspecified reasons which make it seem like a programmed fork of drug companies]. He lives to see the 32st day. He keeps on getting those drugs and succeeds in convincing the custom department that it all is for his personal use. All along, he has to experience rejection from his friends who have begun to believe that probably Ron has been sleeping with homosexual guys[71% of international HIV + cases were associated with gay sex relations]. It was shattering, but Ron had already grown up in Antarctica of human compassion—Dallas, Texas.

He has now realized that men and women are quite desperate and unwilling to die of AIDS. So, he begin to sell his stock of drugs and FDA’s legal means are actually after him in order to curb it… although they fail to intimidate him[he’s already dying, remember?]. Since it is illegal to sell unapproved drugs, he sells membership of this club called Dallas Buyers’ Club with which these drugs are complimentary. He makes a lot of cash. He also has to discover that he has Dementia. Matthew’s enactment of Dementia is beyond words. The man does not know to budge. Not even once he is screaming that he does not want to die. He moves to Jared’s place and makes him his business partner for he’s a queer and brings a lot many HIV+ clients to Ron. He also begins to like him as a person, makes homophobic people respect him too. For a while, they feel the rush of success of idea, the money, the friendship… each day they wake up living and breathing and feeling okay is more than a gift and they live it up.

Jennifer is also a doctor and she is someone who does not see HIV+ positive people, or any patient for that matter, as a raw material for their bread and butter. She loves Jared for his lovable character and warmth. Matthew keeps confiscating, kind of smuggling drugs to US and people keep living one more day. Some rich ones offer him places to carry on his arrangement when FDA butts in and closes down their work at Jared’s place. He dates Jennifer. Jared reminds him to take flowers along for the lady when she first agrees to see him. He goes to support groups and spreads a word about his club. The hospitals keep losing business, AZT is notorious for untested behaviours and in a way being poisonous. The drug companies somehow get FDA close the club down and Matthew has to live a while without even the medicine for Dementia while he is in a court case. The judge acknowledges that FDA is being a bully, but finds himself helpless ‘cause there is no law favour of people against FDA either.

There still is no music in the background… no score… one has to feel it, the hollowness and accept it.

Jennifer gets that nothing is being done by FDA and the hospital and AZT is $10,000 upon getting approved even without the studies being published. She helps Matthew get the drugs he trusts and testifies and hence is fired by the hospital. All along his trip to Japan and fading out there on a drug, Jared finds that his time is over… he yelps that he does not want to die. But, finally he is admitted and is put on morphine and sleeps to death, eventually. When Matthew returns, his is informed that Jared has passed on… he is shattered… and it is quite awful. He goes to Jennifer’s place and it is like everything usual, except the sex in the end is replaced with a hug as Ron has AIDS.

Matthew dies 7 years after being diagnosed HIV+. He lived the most after the news of HIV+ blood in his veins.

The fact that movie bears all along the reel time is that there is loneliness… no matter how much sweetness Hollywood and POP songs and Ads and sitcoms and popular fiction and all coat the reality with, there are guys who go to bed alone wondering what went wrong and how feeling sad for oneself is gay[IT’S NOT]. And this is what the film is about, the coldness because we expect a happy end, a lovely glossy life like walmart outlets and richness. People try to find passion, they trick themselves into thinking that probably if they get rich, their lives will get better… they try to escape accepting that it is all fucking illusion. It’s just love which men seek to give and feel. Jared happens to play this thing in his character… and he did a splendid job.

Keep Returning

One thing is talking to someone for the first time. It’s often lovely if you people click. And oh, how they seem so different, so beautiful just before you’re about to say the first word! Then maybe you people talk for a couple of times more, talking all those ‘what I’m like’ things! heh! Then maybe you get busy with your lives which had just shared a glance, for a moment maybe… lives which always have a character of their own. Days pass… with one of you always willing more than the other to talk, but keeping quiet thinking you cannot force it… maybe you’re boring.

… and after days, maybe, you return and your lives pass each other by again! And it’s all like recollection! It’s all fresh for a moment… until the fruition sneaks into your thought that you’d soon part ways again… maybe you’re the one who is just required to keep returning in her life… like that mannequin on the cloth store around the corner.

The Reason

There is a pattern in all of my chapters with people. Often people find me to be a very close friend until something big happens in their lives, until the dynamism of their lives is changed by something like finding love, new job, moving offshore etc. I am a part of their past then… and I exist should they choose to keep close to it…. I always ask people one question before giving them any real valuable hopes of mine: if wind blows and leaves fall, what they would choose to be—the tree, wind or the leaves. I know that I am a tree ‘cause I cannot let go of something which my inside justifies and desires irrespective of how many times I fail and how much[many] I lose. I don’t mind pain—it’s only weakness leaving body, or maybe I am a wreck, a masochist.

But people require to move on to better lives, towards love, family, money and comfort. Whenever I see something big changing in the lives of ones I care about, I tend to cut myself off in a manner that they don’t notice and be able to forget me entirely. I seriously have no idea why I just cannot be the same way! And it hurts a fucking lot too! But somehow my inside tells me that this is the path to be, the truth of it all because I am only going for what I desire, I am being honest and am not cheating, being lenient to myself. I just cannot do whatever my inside finds wrong or else I am weak, afraid of pain which is indelible anyway. … and hence i keep alone, afraid of going close to people because I am unable to move with them.

Apologies to the Society

Well, the knowledge is only when you find answers and not the shitload of useless information. If some day you are turned on by a body[male’s or female’s, not necessarily human], you’re in no position to question for you are drowning in what you know about what all makes the body so darn irresistible. However, this same body could be must more than a touch, a smell, a taste, a voice… the body does in fact feel much more than it actually is because of your ‘hormones’.

I once asked a friend of mine who had been both in love and in physical relationship what makes two bodies lovers while love is virtually everywhere. She confirmed that a yearning for eachother’s body is mandatory to be lovers. I have always felt it to be a defeat to look to mollify, to please my body–I don’t have a favourite dish, dislike to sleep and haven’t been able to get myself to like sex either. But this is just because I have known a pleasure beyond bodies and my existence in society–the bliss of being able to explain, of having found answers in numbers, in equations. I don’t think I can ever be a lover in sense of society which is a cloth woven around pursuits for comfort and pleasures. I have no right to look down at it. Maybe they’re preparing for the old age when it would be tough to go on bearing travails….

I am apologizing because I have been lying. I am unable to feel free with thought of people in my consciousness. I am an impostor. I am gullible and stupid because I have yearned to associate with people… because due to my inability to feel free, I tended to keep out… I wanted to belong. I gave a lot of value to anyone who showed a little interest in my being, understood me.. I cursed society with my expectations and wishes.

I am so sorry.

The Dark Side of the Moon

Past few days have been tough for me. Especially because I have finally achieved a clear vision of my soul while this modern world isn’t about it. Yet I have to exist. I know that I am fearless and unbounded on the inside. The tough part is having to let go of a few dear ones I have had ’cause they do not really understand the difference between their relative existence and individuality. I am meditating more. I am having to keep my thoughts consumed within me ’cause there is no one I should share them with. They are looking for love, marriage, sex, comfort, keeping carefree… while it all is the first level of existence only–the bland, blinding and two dimensional one. Guys in early twenties like me find it so natural to look at young girls and wish for physical proximity in a way that it could be a dish served on pornographic menu. Why do they never question what they’re wishing for? What they’re doing… as if having a cigarette, travelling on bikes to beaches and hanging out with sassy strangers to make stories cool enough for a HBO series or Mtv is the sole purpose of their existence. Having cool new gadgets, having 1000 something facebook friends, knowing to play cool guitar tunes and canteen/cafeteria shit is all one damned illusion. I am not condemning their choice.

To put is rightly, the existence of humans can be in two ways: ways of body and the ways of soul. Now the soul is not how hollywood portrays it, nor is the peace like Poo has it in Kung Fu Panda 2. Ways of soul can not be expressed to some one who hasn’t seen their manifestation within self. I found them in how I felt, what I thought[those watts of power in my neurons] when I completed a painting after 8 hours, how it felt to have found a math equation which had a variable which fitted state of your life, how it feels when you be in a moment, find a book or a person and are forced to think of all of it to be not just a coincidence, but a larger equation… as if you are a part of cosmos. I try not to borrow the understanding of soul from Vedas or any religious text ’cause then it will all the same it’s in the book crap.

I so dearly wished that I could exist at both levels–the body and the soul. But, body being bound and torn apart by affects and afflictions, fears and above all habits, tends to move towards the death, while the soul tends to set free… abolishing the whole notion of beginning and end. Body is level one because it is where we exist by default–existence is bound to be relative because appeasement of body’s requirements is impossible without providing it with things like food, air, water, shelter etc which now have been extended to winning the race of getting a sexual partner, having an iPhone to somehow be able feed from the collectivization of people.

I don’t wish to buy an iPhone no matter how many new iOSes they release because at the end of the day, it’s just a phone. But yes, there has been a lot of science and aethetic beauty in it which is pure knowledge, a certain level of thought… an ecstasy.

I wish to be able to say all this to someone and hope to be understood and not judged as a boring ass contrarian. But, all my friends are just twenty somethings who want to relish what all their bodies allow or look for–they want attention. I tried to go by ways of body for a while but it’s not in me, I cannot feel anything but contempt for myself upon having given to relative existence. I am on the dark side of the moon… fell out of all of it.