The Reason

There is a pattern in all of my chapters with people. Often people find me to be a very close friend until something big happens in their lives, until the dynamism of their lives is changed by something like finding love, new job, moving offshore etc. I am a part of their past then… and I exist should they choose to keep close to it…. I always ask people one question before giving them any real valuable hopes of mine: if wind blows and leaves fall, what they would choose to be—the tree, wind or the leaves. I know that I am a tree ‘cause I cannot let go of something which my inside justifies and desires irrespective of how many times I fail and how much[many] I lose. I don’t mind pain—it’s only weakness leaving body, or maybe I am a wreck, a masochist.

But people require to move on to better lives, towards love, family, money and comfort. Whenever I see something big changing in the lives of ones I care about, I tend to cut myself off in a manner that they don’t notice and be able to forget me entirely. I seriously have no idea why I just cannot be the same way! And it hurts a fucking lot too! But somehow my inside tells me that this is the path to be, the truth of it all because I am only going for what I desire, I am being honest and am not cheating, being lenient to myself. I just cannot do whatever my inside finds wrong or else I am weak, afraid of pain which is indelible anyway. … and hence i keep alone, afraid of going close to people because I am unable to move with them.


Apologies to the Society

Well, the knowledge is only when you find answers and not the shitload of useless information. If some day you are turned on by a body[male’s or female’s, not necessarily human], you’re in no position to question for you are drowning in what you know about what all makes the body so darn irresistible. However, this same body could be must more than a touch, a smell, a taste, a voice… the body does in fact feel much more than it actually is because of your ‘hormones’.

I once asked a friend of mine who had been both in love and in physical relationship what makes two bodies lovers while love is virtually everywhere. She confirmed that a yearning for eachother’s body is mandatory to be lovers. I have always felt it to be a defeat to look to mollify, to please my body–I don’t have a favourite dish, dislike to sleep and haven’t been able to get myself to like sex either. But this is just because I have known a pleasure beyond bodies and my existence in society–the bliss of being able to explain, of having found answers in numbers, in equations. I don’t think I can ever be a lover in sense of society which is a cloth woven around pursuits for comfort and pleasures. I have no right to look down at it. Maybe they’re preparing for the old age when it would be tough to go on bearing travails….

I am apologizing because I have been lying. I am unable to feel free with thought of people in my consciousness. I am an impostor. I am gullible and stupid because I have yearned to associate with people… because due to my inability to feel free, I tended to keep out… I wanted to belong. I gave a lot of value to anyone who showed a little interest in my being, understood me.. I cursed society with my expectations and wishes.

I am so sorry.

The Dark Side of the Moon

Past few days have been tough for me. Especially because I have finally achieved a clear vision of my soul while this modern world isn’t about it. Yet I have to exist. I know that I am fearless and unbounded on the inside. The tough part is having to let go of a few dear ones I have had ’cause they do not really understand the difference between their relative existence and individuality. I am meditating more. I am having to keep my thoughts consumed within me ’cause there is no one I should share them with. They are looking for love, marriage, sex, comfort, keeping carefree… while it all is the first level of existence only–the bland, blinding and two dimensional one. Guys in early twenties like me find it so natural to look at young girls and wish for physical proximity in a way that it could be a dish served on pornographic menu. Why do they never question what they’re wishing for? What they’re doing… as if having a cigarette, travelling on bikes to beaches and hanging out with sassy strangers to make stories cool enough for a HBO series or Mtv is the sole purpose of their existence. Having cool new gadgets, having 1000 something facebook friends, knowing to play cool guitar tunes and canteen/cafeteria shit is all one damned illusion. I am not condemning their choice.

To put is rightly, the existence of humans can be in two ways: ways of body and the ways of soul. Now the soul is not how hollywood portrays it, nor is the peace like Poo has it in Kung Fu Panda 2. Ways of soul can not be expressed to some one who hasn’t seen their manifestation within self. I found them in how I felt, what I thought[those watts of power in my neurons] when I completed a painting after 8 hours, how it felt to have found a math equation which had a variable which fitted state of your life, how it feels when you be in a moment, find a book or a person and are forced to think of all of it to be not just a coincidence, but a larger equation… as if you are a part of cosmos. I try not to borrow the understanding of soul from Vedas or any religious text ’cause then it will all the same it’s in the book crap.

I so dearly wished that I could exist at both levels–the body and the soul. But, body being bound and torn apart by affects and afflictions, fears and above all habits, tends to move towards the death, while the soul tends to set free… abolishing the whole notion of beginning and end. Body is level one because it is where we exist by default–existence is bound to be relative because appeasement of body’s requirements is impossible without providing it with things like food, air, water, shelter etc which now have been extended to winning the race of getting a sexual partner, having an iPhone to somehow be able feed from the collectivization of people.

I don’t wish to buy an iPhone no matter how many new iOSes they release because at the end of the day, it’s just a phone. But yes, there has been a lot of science and aethetic beauty in it which is pure knowledge, a certain level of thought… an ecstasy.

I wish to be able to say all this to someone and hope to be understood and not judged as a boring ass contrarian. But, all my friends are just twenty somethings who want to relish what all their bodies allow or look for–they want attention. I tried to go by ways of body for a while but it’s not in me, I cannot feel anything but contempt for myself upon having given to relative existence. I am on the dark side of the moon… fell out of all of it.

Generation of a Generation

As I begin to feel that I probably do not belong to my own generation, I feel the need to understand what a generation is. My first thought is that a generation is lifetime of obvious behaviours, the loudest ones. And the behaviours are loud because most people think this is how everyone is behaving ‘these days’. According Merriam-webster

Definition of GENERATION

a : a body of living beings constituting a single step in the line of descent from an ancestor
b : a group of individuals born and living contemporaneously

c : a group of individuals having contemporaneously a status (as that of students in a school) which each one holds only for a limited period.

The fact is that I am finding it too tough to sum every one up in a handful of loud behaviours. Infiltration of technology is there, dependence on internet is there, more shoddy ads are there, sexual instincts and there expression is louder than ever, profiling and packaging people is very much here–the much he earns, the much he fucks and who and the much he parties–to make cool and uncool distinctions, things are mismanaged because system is overburdened due to number of people. But above all, the internet is creating a culture which is neither American nor European nor Asian or japanese or Aboriginal because there are social meeting places where faking is easier than it has ever been.

I am 23 and I belong to this generation according Webster. But, I don’t exist more at these social places, I don’t fake, I despise ads and shoddy technology consumerism… I see no pride in fucking many girls, nor I find money an attribute–it’s a necessity for medical bills. Since I sketch, I understand how much one can associate with a visual, something which more and more digital photographers are discovering by going back to days of Analogue photography… the discipline of it. So, looks like I don’t belong to my own generation. But, does this mean that I am being a contrarian stubborn[leading to awful separatism and regret of having missed chance to fuck young bodies, which presumably I can presently and most of my generation is]. I know that morality is being reprogrammed–no longer you’d see any immorality in a lot of things like lying, cheating and polygamy in years yet to be.

Conclusion is simple: I require to be very very sure of what I want to do and why because there certainly will be a voice inside my head in years to come asking me why I didn’t go by the trend.

Aspects of Coin

It’s easy to understand that all opposite things are only two aspects of same coin–they’re worth the same and coexist in the moment. For example, I am both weak and strong in a moment, I both love and hate in a moment, there’s always day and night in a moment and so on. Another conclusion is that I cannot love without hating because they’re the same, I cannot be strong without being weak because again they’re the same.

How do I explain those moments to myself when I was feeling weaker and weaker knowing that I must resist? Probably, my understanding strength as control over the thought and following action is being wrongly interpretted… there is division, a schism somewhere… a disconnect between my body and my brain. I often be able to lay over my body’s requirement to fall asleep; I draw the definition of control from there and extend it to other physical needs. But this model of governance often witnesses me trying hard to suppress the body, which I see now as a wastage of potential.

In fact, my biggest issue is opinion of people–they all sleep too much, booze, party, have sex and find it natural to be this way. This all brings satisfaction only when one is content in a moment, which I ain’t, nor should I be. My thought throws me far away from all this and then when I have to be with them, I have to fake a lot… trying to look sociable. But, my inside is slowly hauling this all as my life is confining itself around tasks and accomplishments, knowledge, art and thought. I am experiencing things in a new manner every moment… people in love liking to live the visual of a picture in a tainted cellphone screen, hating a myth, lying and creating stories to be seen for a moment. And above all, what justifies my being an observer and feeling not chained like these are… I cannot be more disparate than an antonym, which too lies on the same coin… worth the same.

Bled It Black

I blinked and was cut by a knife
i bled, i bled, bled it black
black i bled and the blood was mine.
though i couldn’t help to wonder
that blood should have been red forever,
when i’d die, only thn it’d change this colour,
black it’d become turning deeper and deeper
as l’d lay there… getting colder and colder.
It should be black when i die,
but i’m alive…. am not i?
I’ve been living it, whatever it is.
you were there in it
i could feel you so livid,
me with you in all your needs
was all i needed,may always need.
but seems u’ve disappeard all of a sudden
were u produced out of thin air, an apparition…?
Is it illusion? Was i living a lie…?
tell me, Do i always have to bleed
to know if i’m alive…?

This is a piece I wrote in my toughest time–when i faced faith being broken for the first time–almost 5-6 years back. I remember all of it. But somehow it doesn’t hurt that bad.