Didn’t sleep whole friday night, reach a friend’s place and smoked up till 2 PM. Then left for mountains. Reached around midnight and since had no ID on me, had to go hopping the hotels until one found me innocent enough. The hotel room was good. Rolled few fairies there and smoked ‘em up. History Channel was airing how sex changed the world series. Also, watched a BBC World documentary on Tea. Then there was this Leonardo movie in which he lives on a paradise kinda land and the female boss, the rules maker fucks him like a bitch. Then I passed out. I woke up around 7 and called up room service to get something to eat. Then I went to river Ganga, Rishikesh, around 8.30 AM and mahn… the water was so cold! I just was numb and only thing I could think about was more water. It was like once the water made me numb, I needed to keep numb… as it was quite windy around. After that when I came out and dried myself and draped in a cloth, I found that my body was radiating much more heat than it usually does when I am inside a blanket. It was lovely! Then I came to Mussoorie and it was such lovely day! I had lovely coffee, sketch Audrey and had shrimp in Malaysian noodles. Then I took up window room and smoked up a couple of fairies more. I watched TV for a while, studied a bit, thought about girls and finally passed out.
I then woke up around 11 in night and smoked up again. My room-service got me something to it. It was such a close call as everyone was just about to go to bed. Then I had something, smoked up, watched the movie shooter. Then I just stared outside the window and the mountain edge sparkling with streetlights on empty streets. It was lovely.
Lately, I had been reading the book The Great Arc about the survey of India done by William Lambton and Colonel Everest. In Mussoorie, there is a Survey of India office. It was so cozily placed in the mellow beautiful spot. It had The Great Arc house, the officers’ guest house. Then I saw some adolescent guys trying to set up one of their friends with a local girl. A local guy told me that there had been snowfall in nearby town and that I should go see it. I had taken a cold water bath in the morning again and I was so tempted to go. But, instead, I came back to Delhi, to the office. I had to take espresso shots though to stay up.
It was a very very beautiful outing. I understood how I no longer fear the chill, nor do I confuse wish to feel free with the fact of being free. I was completely consumed by antique shops and I loved the old old books!
Few days back I felt that I need to know myself from experiences which do not involve anyone but me for what I know of myself from association with people is just a point, an element in the continuous set called my physical life. This led me to wish to experience something, anything. I went upstairs when it was 4.30 AM or so and around 4 degree Celsius, stripped down and just lay there on the terrace. It had me feeling something, but also had me thinking that I must go to a mountain river and take a dip. I am lucky to be living in India and to be earning more than enough. Today I am going to Rishikesh and going to dip myself entirely in river Ganga.
Since I have whole weekend to my disposal, I am going to go to Mussoorie too. This is a resistance to a suppressing cold. And this is an experience. I am going to be smoking up and be alone. And every time I would have something to tell someone, I would know that right there is what keeps me restricted and limited to this cage of association, relationships and all that. I happen to believe that alone time is a necessity for my relationships to be free from a wish to be free, entirely living the existence and the fact of association then….
I have been told that I have a low self-esteem.
A friend sent me an enlightening, provocative New York Magazine article on how praising kids for being smart often backfires and ends up straitjacketing them to fear of failure. It spoke to me not only as a parent of a boy fairly fresh on the path of formal education, but as the studious girl whose achievements were marked by a curious mix of confidence and anxiety. The ten-year string of studies on the effects of praise spearheaded by psychologist Carol Dweck at Columbia (now at Stanford) University also shed light on the aspects of overachieving I have been exploring here: persistence, assurance, motivation, talent. I will extract the key points on “the inverse power of praise,” and while I usually don’t refer readers to anything but short articles or video, this one‘s well worth the time.
A sizable portion of gifted students, the very ones who grew up…
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