What and why are answered only for things which are definite enough to fit in a packaging.. Putting an experiences in words, photos clicked by rich ass camera et cetera is same as equating glacier to bottled water..
Words try to envelope experiences in definable, understandable packages.. corrupt the very profoundness, virginity and indefiniteness of meaning… You rich ass camera can only bring clarity to pixels[often beyond you notice], but can never hold more meaning than you see.. see yourself unable to put in words.
I went to Manali two days back. I sketched what I otherwise would have snapped with ultimate ease[and would have that easily forgot] sitting on a stone protruding outwards a big steep rocky mountain with raging infant river some 150 meters below. Then I went down to that freezing water of river and skinny-dipped.. the water was so cold that an involuntary action of my feet hit pretty hardly on a stone and I had to get stitched. When doc put needle inside the bloody wound warning me that it could hurt, I laughed…. While sketching, a local guy came and sat by to see the sketch.. he told me how last year his partner deceived him and took all his hotel money.. we smoked up a joint then. Mountains were divine then! And those icy ones with heavenly brilliance and height in blue-y shadows.. Himalayas feel like guardians.. like we’re in the lap. I tried to live the moment as much as i could because it was a get away.. an unplanned and abrupt one to fit ill-logic.. but it all ended in me realizing how it was beyond words.. that half feet wide raw track with nothing but grass and drizzling and river and fear and people asleep while coming back.. those lit up dark, dark mountains and the river which I had known since its infancy..
It’s like I constantly require something to do, something to keep me occupied! And it is becoming insane! I cannot sit quietly for even a moment. I would just play music here and open one development portal there and then Scientific American articles and would keep reading on wordpress and writing some code or reading about some new technology and then some news item which concerns me and this and that…! It just doesn’t stop! I cannot stop!
If I have to go out, and I smoke or something, my head would being going about the things again… very noisy all the time! If I have slept more than 5 hours, then I certainly am damned ’cause everything I could have done in 5 hours begins to prod me! And I dislike my present already, and hence I never be able to day dream at all! Music and sketching used to help; now they make hollowness worse because of all the time which I keep from doing what I consider I must have!
When I have resolved one of the things which were stuck, I feel very hollow… I begin to fall.
Today is one of those days when talking, saying anything at all feels futile. I sketched a lot… but missed the date… sad i am, but no one to put the blame on except myself.
… I only require to keep quiet.
I find the word orgasmic much more profound than the orgasm itself. And I am not a big fan of sex anyway. The thing is that there is an effort which seems effortless in bringing the realization that everything about the deed has been realized. When I sketch, I feel orgasmic ’cause I am the one who accomplishes it without anybody’s orders or interference. And I love it! I love all those things which I see myself doing and I do them without any help. I don’t consider gifts lucky ’cause they get you expecting for a happiness to be brought to you, while happiness is there within me all the time.
I require to set myself free… this is something I have been feeling for so long. The constraint is fear here. … I just require to be in my own command, under no one ever, to like this life of mine.