Past few days have been tough for me. Especially because I have finally achieved a clear vision of my soul while this modern world isn’t about it. Yet I have to exist. I know that I am fearless and unbounded on the inside. The tough part is having to let go of a few dear ones I have had ’cause they do not really understand the difference between their relative existence and individuality. I am meditating more. I am having to keep my thoughts consumed within me ’cause there is no one I should share them with. They are looking for love, marriage, sex, comfort, keeping carefree… while it all is the first level of existence only–the bland, blinding and two dimensional one. Guys in early twenties like me find it so natural to look at young girls and wish for physical proximity in a way that it could be a dish served on pornographic menu. Why do they never question what they’re wishing for? What they’re doing… as if having a cigarette, travelling on bikes to beaches and hanging out with sassy strangers to make stories cool enough for a HBO series or Mtv is the sole purpose of their existence. Having cool new gadgets, having 1000 something facebook friends, knowing to play cool guitar tunes and canteen/cafeteria shit is all one damned illusion. I am not condemning their choice.
To put is rightly, the existence of humans can be in two ways: ways of body and the ways of soul. Now the soul is not how hollywood portrays it, nor is the peace like Poo has it in Kung Fu Panda 2. Ways of soul can not be expressed to some one who hasn’t seen their manifestation within self. I found them in how I felt, what I thought[those watts of power in my neurons] when I completed a painting after 8 hours, how it felt to have found a math equation which had a variable which fitted state of your life, how it feels when you be in a moment, find a book or a person and are forced to think of all of it to be not just a coincidence, but a larger equation… as if you are a part of cosmos. I try not to borrow the understanding of soul from Vedas or any religious text ’cause then it will all the same it’s in the book crap.
I so dearly wished that I could exist at both levels–the body and the soul. But, body being bound and torn apart by affects and afflictions, fears and above all habits, tends to move towards the death, while the soul tends to set free… abolishing the whole notion of beginning and end. Body is level one because it is where we exist by default–existence is bound to be relative because appeasement of body’s requirements is impossible without providing it with things like food, air, water, shelter etc which now have been extended to winning the race of getting a sexual partner, having an iPhone to somehow be able feed from the collectivization of people.
I don’t wish to buy an iPhone no matter how many new iOSes they release because at the end of the day, it’s just a phone. But yes, there has been a lot of science and aethetic beauty in it which is pure knowledge, a certain level of thought… an ecstasy.
I wish to be able to say all this to someone and hope to be understood and not judged as a boring ass contrarian. But, all my friends are just twenty somethings who want to relish what all their bodies allow or look for–they want attention. I tried to go by ways of body for a while but it’s not in me, I cannot feel anything but contempt for myself upon having given to relative existence. I am on the dark side of the moon… fell out of all of it.
Perfectly Opaque 