to feel the written, unwritten, narrated and never told stories equally….
Accepting oneself cannot be bringing the amount of work you put into something down for when you accept yourself, you listen to yourself first before expecting something to be done. You chat with yourself in pursuit to get what it is which is keeping you away in the atmosphere of uneasiness, falling asleep while trying to discipline yourself, feeling tired without consuming caffeine, unwilling to go out for a jog maybe… or something so severe like not know what to draw when presented with a blank page. This thing called worldly expectations is the response to what all we sense in the world… it has to be controlled for the argument that we control our senses with reason to hold some meaning. There is no consciousness, no actual thought until the thought is directed and only facility within human which can direct his thought is the reason which he truly ‘believes’ in.
The issue of rapes, according to me, begins with the common misunderstanding that if you are adult/adolescent and have sexual urges, you require a girlfriend/boyfriend. The model is okay as far as you find one easily. But, it breaks down upon our failing to understand that sexual urges are born due to hormones which do not understand sexes—they are just mechanical and are set/bound to work if you’re perfectly healthy. So, our misinterprettation of this basic thing makes opposite sex an edible substance. Sexual urges are bound to be even if one is born and grows inside a box, completely oblivious of existence of an opposite sex! The release of oxitocin tries to take the matter further in its own hands by trying to trick the brain into liking other identifying attributes like voice, smell and touch. But, for civilized human beings such as ourselves, even this cannot be called love because it is not intentional… it’s just been happening because you are healthy.
A girlfriend/boyfriend is a human being first and cannot be treated as an edible. This thing is seen in those examples when people who are frequent to visit prostitutes finally find love. And hence it is quite funny how prostitution has built itself up and kept around for really really long now. Nobody wants to be a prostitute[or say a temporary substitute]. So, first of all, we require an education to be able to understand and tame the urges so as we do not make them a reason at all to have relationship in first place. Sadly enough, however, there have been generations now which have built the social structures based entirely upon accepting relationships as outlets, and not as co-inhabitance.
Conclusion: girlfriends/boyfriends are not an answer to sexual urges; presently, there is no answer to these urges except either taming them or simple letting your fluids out.
… and after days, maybe, you return and your lives pass each other by again! And it’s all like recollection! It’s all fresh for a moment… until the fruition sneaks into your thought that you’d soon part ways again… maybe you’re the one who is just required to keep returning in her life… like that mannequin on the cloth store around the corner.
I have only one expectation from my phone or my chair or my computer, which is why they’re objects and probably I am not afraid to hurt them. My belief that they cannot feel is so so strong. Now imagine I really very very very badly want a cute girl to come and suck my dick… I want this so so badly that I no longer can even see that she’s a human being. Now imagine I tell this to a friend of mine and he feels the same for some other girl. Then one lazy afternoon we watch straight 4 hours of Brazzers and Vivid and Marc Dorcel. … we go home.. in the night, after dinner… around 1 AM, I just play one new movie from Wicked.com or Bang Bros and I jerk a load off… but still I am at unrest. I got school next morning… I see nubile 16 old girls in skirts, belonging to upper middle class families. I am already feeling that I am normal… I am too high on ‘everyone’s feeling this way’! Then the news of a girl from my class having done it exactly like the movies I watched with a guy in some other senior grade. Girls are talking ‘bout it, guys are talking ‘bout it! It is all we have to talk about! This girl who is heard to have done it is suddenly a big-bang of fetishes! She is no longer a human… a specific behaviour is expected out of her. With time, all girls are heard to have done. We’re normal… we’re young… we’re humans… it’s okay to let go… it’s so cool to listen to Selena Gomez or Katy Perry or Snoop Dogg ‘cause all pretty girls and all the guys who get laid often listen to them… I am object to. I know what I do—buy new cell phones, cannot get my hand off internet, want to look cooler every moment, want to be pampered… I want to be everything they all want to be, but before they can be!
… objectification this is.
The Unforgiven III, Metallica #nowplaying
There is a pattern in all of my chapters with people. Often people find me to be a very close friend until something big happens in their lives, until the dynamism of their lives is changed by something like finding love, new job, moving offshore etc. I am a part of their past then… and I exist should they choose to keep close to it…. I always ask people one question before giving them any real valuable hopes of mine: if wind blows and leaves fall, what they would choose to be—the tree, wind or the leaves. I know that I am a tree ‘cause I cannot let go of something which my inside justifies and desires irrespective of how many times I fail and how much[many] I lose. I don’t mind pain—it’s only weakness leaving body, or maybe I am a wreck, a masochist.
But people require to move on to better lives, towards love, family, money and comfort. Whenever I see something big changing in the lives of ones I care about, I tend to cut myself off in a manner that they don’t notice and be able to forget me entirely. I seriously have no idea why I just cannot be the same way! And it hurts a fucking lot too! But somehow my inside tells me that this is the path to be, the truth of it all because I am only going for what I desire, I am being honest and am not cheating, being lenient to myself. I just cannot do whatever my inside finds wrong or else I am weak, afraid of pain which is indelible anyway. … and hence i keep alone, afraid of going close to people because I am unable to move with them.
Well, the knowledge is only when you find answers and not the shitload of useless information. If some day you are turned on by a body[male’s or female’s, not necessarily human], you’re in no position to question for you are drowning in what you know about what all makes the body so darn irresistible. However, this same body could be must more than a touch, a smell, a taste, a voice… the body does in fact feel much more than it actually is because of your ‘hormones’.
I once asked a friend of mine who had been both in love and in physical relationship what makes two bodies lovers while love is virtually everywhere. She confirmed that a yearning for eachother’s body is mandatory to be lovers. I have always felt it to be a defeat to look to mollify, to please my body–I don’t have a favourite dish, dislike to sleep and haven’t been able to get myself to like sex either. But this is just because I have known a pleasure beyond bodies and my existence in society–the bliss of being able to explain, of having found answers in numbers, in equations. I don’t think I can ever be a lover in sense of society which is a cloth woven around pursuits for comfort and pleasures. I have no right to look down at it. Maybe they’re preparing for the old age when it would be tough to go on bearing travails….
I am apologizing because I have been lying. I am unable to feel free with thought of people in my consciousness. I am an impostor. I am gullible and stupid because I have yearned to associate with people… because due to my inability to feel free, I tended to keep out… I wanted to belong. I gave a lot of value to anyone who showed a little interest in my being, understood me.. I cursed society with my expectations and wishes.
I am so sorry.