Today, while walking and thinking and gauging myself and worried 3 feet in consciousness and indefinite in subconscious, I noticed what I have always had–my shadow. It’s one thing which was born with me and will die with me. City’s getting darker and darker with each moment I spent staring at how dark it was had me losing sight of this friend of mine… this assurance of me ‘being’. Terribly sleep deprived today morning, I was watching Art Rock age of BBC’s 7 ages of Rock–the one with Syd Barrett, living blues of Jugband inside his head. Pink Floyd fans often find themselves divided in between David’s Floyd and Syd’s Floyd. David’s floyd survived with him, Syd’s died with his leaving to himself. He wasn’t crazy, to me at least, he was just failing to make what he had set out to… and acid never did let him lie to self….
These days I am displaying a very disturbing disturbance of thought–I am frequently forgetting things I just did, thinking ’bout what I have done wrong… what just went wrong… when and where! It’s like the ground I think I have been walking on suddenly comes out to be a quicksand–I am drowning in every moment! I have abolished everything I believed in and I am seeing a lot… A LOT! A scientific American article about how penis size has been affected by evolution and female preference got me thinking why I have been so adversed by going to gym or thinking ’bout my sexual attractiveness. I concluded that wishing to succeed in this world people began to compete for every damned thing–women, cadre and all–while I was still thinking what I wanted from what I had experienced in 2 decades of my life. I found chasing women and wish to be sexually desirable futile because I saw immense shallowness in the people carrying those wishes in their heart. I also saw deep fear in them which I denied to give in to.
But I cannot deny the fact that as I gauge myself, I see myself a terminal loser who can make beautiful sketches at least. I have never liked to compete for anything ’cause I don’t think in separatist, existential ways. But, today I concluded that I have missed a lot of those behaviours which otherwise would have been instilled in me had i been born not in a home, but a worldliness training center!
Long back I concluded that there is nothing with only disadvantages or just the advantages. There are advantages of being me too, just they seem disadvantages when I look at them looking at me–no smartphone, never had a girlfriend, never wanted to go to gym… a thought and knowledge and love deeply rooted in mathematical axioms without me being a Cambridge or Oxford or Harvard graduate. It’s tough to explain my existence or where did two decades go… and certainly my parents look to be stupids ’cause probably I am not doing ‘good’. I love music… I am honest and polite… I try my best to keep the words given… and I never take revenges. I love electronics, science, technology, computing, environment, keep reading ’bout how world is being today… have opinions, political views, do social work… find children pretty… pay tax… and I am a big damned lunatic with lunar eclipse probably around the corner!
… in this moment, I am facing debacle of what all I believed in… what all I chose to reject. … assurances of my shadow is all I have got….