I am reading things which only those do who are seeing the end. I have always been death centric person, although, yet I require to believe that I am 23 and my life hasn’t finished just ’cause building gcc is stuck at changed m4 value for $PATH. I am constantly judging myself based on the things I cannot do and I things I don’t have yet. I should first of all tell myself that the most fundamental thing which I don’t have is respect for myself–I dislike myself!
This is manifesting in ways like I am keeping myself alone a lot, I am not mingling or even willing to, I see myself as a loser when I walk out and desperately need to bury my head in something to read… I am not sleeping well, eating well… or anything. I am not being able to change this either ’cause there are things I have always wanted to see myself doing, but I haven’t yet! I am feeling that it’s the end of it all and that my life has already ran myself out and that I am going to live a mediocre nothing life filled with taking a lot of bull-shit form people! I CANNOT LET THAT HAPPEN!
On social side, I am very polite, considerate and often can see people in need–I often make time for people and try to keep them comfortable. But at the same time I keep myself from expecting any of this to be returned by unprecedented cutting myself out of whole social fabric. Good thing that I do is writing these blogs… to keep an account of all of it, I mean the much is possible.
… I have never chased girls ’cause I know I am not the type they usually like–I am a nerd and am very much lost withing battles I am fighting within myself. Plus, I cannot imagine putting myself up there for some sort of approval from a girl! To be really honest, I don’t allow myself to hope for mental or physical closeness because of the satisfaction it can bring–I want myself to be satisfied within because I’d know I am on the righteous path–not for a couple of more years to be. Also, I have a political inclination–I read many newspapers, reports, forums and websites from everywhere ’cause I feel it to be my responsibility in modern day world.
Let There Be More Light, Pink Floyd #nowplaying