I Must Disappear

The reason why I miss my college the most is I could switch my cell-phone off for a month or so, I could just disappear…. Yesterday I required Tool badly and today it’s System of a Down over again!

I try to keep myself from requiring any particular human, but at the same time look to be very special in life of one of them… this is… very… serious… ’cause they see me as someone who can be reached only for help, and not for birthday parties. I have this feeling that my solitude will be completely realized in couple of years now when most of my friends will be married… moved on… ’cause I am incapable of moving on… it’s all a big long day to me. And maybe I’ll keep whispering to myself that it’s okay if they seem to have forgot… ’cause they didn’t matter to me anyway… my fears and dislike for self never have let anyone be close enough. And if I am giving any value to my feelings, I am not understanding the whole truth anyway. I require to BELIEVE that everything, EVERY DAMNED THING, fits an equation of balance–the one which has eluded physicists so far. The community is always the destination for every human on this round blue planet with life. It’s just when I began picking up the marbles of mine I had lost, I saw many many pretty marbles lying there on ground, in the pits… unattended… like cuteness of stray pups, like locks of hair of a poor prostitute maybe… like agony of your ‘cruel’ boss, which you never want to think ’bout… so, I picked them up too… and right there and then I guess I lost more marbles of mine than I had picked…. 


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