Chasing Reality

Life is lived. I need to stand up to this mess I am. I require constant assurance from something real that I exist. And that reality will be seen only in the consequences of actions I take believing something… this is what I require ’cause I am a lie, my beliefs are a lie, what I see is a lie and I am delusional.

And the fact is that I cannot change this… all I can do is gradually move towards the actions which have wider span of consequences everytime… this must be fun! Everything from peeing to compiling a GNU octave or MATLAB code for multistage HD filters or satellite transceivers would only assure me that in that particular moment, I actually existed… I was not delusional.  I cannot allow myself to feel… I just require to take up a task, perform the actions and wait for the result to conclude whether I was awake or irrational again. Feelings, on the other hand, have no substantial proofs. I desperately require to believe that I am not delusional ’cause I love my sister and my mother and they don’t know this thing… that I am fake delusional dumb-fuck.

So, everything stands abolished now–sleep, food… everything! We just require our actions and their consequences to keep reaffirming that we exist. But, while I am reading, I am inbetween the lines and I am inexistent… there has to be action which can bring an obvious consequence. I can’t just listen to music, watch a movie, fall asleep, eat… ’cause these have no obvious consequence except what I feel… AND I CANNOT TRUST WHAT I FEEL!

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