I was on bus, not rational… hadn’t put irrationality in words, didn’t know the reason…. Then it occurred to me that the result of the exam I appeared for on 10th last month–the one which would help me rebuild my faith in self, that I am not delusional and my hopes in me will stand justified–is coming next week. … and I began to wonder what I’d be like if it showed me an awful, stupid ineligible dumb fuck…? I was shattered beyond anything.
Also, I have been finding it tough to cope up with this world where most of them are looking for sex while I am trying to run away from it. They are everywhere, in every quiet corner… everywhere you’d want to run away from them… you can see them groping, and pushing one another on each other in moving cabs and static cabins. I have a very sharp observation and very very swift thought–each damned visual is a story to me and even number plates which aren’t in middle become an uneasiness.
… I began thinking of a home, somewhere I would want to run away. And all I could think of was committing suicide because there will be no one there… that is my own. But, I won’t die without proving it to myself that I am not delusional.
So, while I was fighting to keep my thought in place, it occurred to me that all this noise inside my head was in fact going to make it tougher to me to focus on nature of digital computers which I am reading these days to improve on my new project–device driver development. And in an instant everything subsided! I was back in control!
Now I am going to watch Revolutionary Road again. Also, All Apologies from Nirvana helped me a lot, basically the singing along part… Nirvana is my panacea in such situations of distress.